..::|:.: Scattered Words

"in brokeness, I could see, that this was your will for me..." :: Jeremy Camp

5.22.2004

This is perfect.

Olli explains how I feel about my faith perfectly. His words are eloquent, simple even. They're perfect.

Porn.

Tony again raises an issue that makes me think. I'll admitt -- it is a problem for me. And I'm probably using it now to medicate my recent "departure" from a sex-filled lifestyle (maybe that's why the past two weeks haven't been so bad, a false sense of security?).

Places like xxxchurch.com have well documented it's destructiveness to the person and particularly marital relationships. I think Tony's rationalizing it too much. He's open about it, so it's no big deal? Porn is beautiful? Not the kind you buy in adult bookstores. It's not exploitive of people? Do we really have to discuss that? It's perhaps one of the most exploitive things man's ever invented. I just think sex is supposed to be a private thing.

Now I wish I could just stop watching it.

Scattered Words.

I've gotten one or two e-mails asking about the name for the site. It's inspired by Jeremy Camp, his song "I Still Believe" on Stay. I heard it for the frist time when I was living in LA, on the Fish (one of the best Christian radio stations out there, but that's not saying a whole lot).

Here's one of the verses. It speaks to me, a lot:

Scattered words and empty thoughts seem to pour from my heart,

I've never felt so torn before, seems I don't know where to start.

But it's now that I feel your grace fall like rain,

From every fingertip, washing away my pain.

I don't know what it is, but it just seems to really fit where I'm at in my life right now.

So it begins.

I think the fallout will suprise a lot of people. Here's the first step.

Two's Company.

Found David's blog from a nice link on the Blogs4god homepage. He's a man after my own heart. Hope springs eternal, I guess. I hope some of you will be nicer to him than you've been to me.

More questions.

From the Battle for Normality. Well, actually only one question.

35. Have you ever had erotic feelings toward or infatuations for someone of the oppostie sex?

Well, yeah. I don't know how much was really erotic, but probably more infatuation. Some of it was definitely erotic. I've had girlfriends in both high school and college. I find (and am finding more and more) some woman attractive. But it's rare that I find a girl that I just automatically look at and say "wow" or something like that -- that happens really frequently with guys, though.

The relationships I've had with girls, they've just never worked out. Not necessarily because I wasn't attracted to them, I don't think (because I was -- maybe more to their personality and spirit than their bodies, but I was), but because of other issues in my life. The stress of a relationship when you have other emotional problems is a lot. I wasn't able to handle everything.

Identification.

At work tonight, I kept thinking about what it means to be gay and wether that's something I should continue to identify myself as (not that I do so publicly anyway, just in my own head). In an abuse situation, most survivors are encouraged to think of themselves as such for only as long as its necessary. The abuse didn't / doesn't define them (though it may have played a big part in their development). And though I was sexually abused as a kid, I don't let that be ruling in my thought / action patterns. Why should I let the fact that I'm attracted to guys do so either?

On another note, I've never before in my life reacted so much to guys that I think are, well, hot. Let me put it this way, I've never noticed noticing guys all that much before -- at least guys where the relationship / environment is a completely platonic one. Or maybe it's just that I'm catching myself more. Which could be a good sign (ie, the reactions are not completely autonomous, they can be controlled).

5.21.2004

Interesting.

I'd like to read his whole paper, sort of. But those last couple paragraphs drove me crazy with all the additional dashes and commas and such. At any rate, he seems to have some deep thoughts on the subject at hand.

Visitors.

For that past couple of weeks I've been receiving regular visits from a couple of Jehovah's Witnesses. Man they drive me crazy. How do you say go away and don't come back nicely? It's cool -- they're so devoted and everything, but since I work from home they're taking time away from work. Plus they're completely nuts.

As I sat there, listening to her pull verses out of context with no regard to idiomatic tracing and telling me that I can't go to heaven -- all I wanted to do is to tell her to leave me alone. I'm all for sharing God's love and message and fulfilling the great commission, but why be so so so so pushy? I had no will to debate her so I was trying to play up my ignorance. But she said, "you're very familiar with your Bible" -- apparently noticing that I had no trouble finding the verses she was pulling out. I guess I just suck at the under cover stuff.

Though I did wonder, what would they do with me? Are they okay with homosexuals or am I one of the ones who will "be destroyed by Jehovah?" -- which brings me to several e-mails I've received telling me to ignore the "hell fire and brimstone" crowd.

Let me say this again. I AM NOT GOING TO HELL. I am a sinner -- one saved by God's grace; cleansed from all wrongs. I've been justified. It's that process of sanctification that's hard. I've done wrong. I've hurt myself. I'll do wrong again. It's inevitable. That's why God's grace is so mysterious to us.

2 weeks 2 day.

No sex. It's not the longest I've ever gone, but it's the longest I've gone in a long, long time. And to be honest, it hasn't been at all that bad. Not as bad as it could've been. True, there were times when I almost gave up (and with little pressure, tells you something about me). It's a good milestone for me. One step at a time. One day at a time.

For now, I have to clean my room, get some manuscripts ready for a publisher, meet with my Pastor, get to work (on time for a change), get the oil changed in my car, pay bills, balance my check book (praise God for MS Money). The business, at least, helps me keep my mind off other stuff.

5.20.2004

Traitor.

That's me. For a while today, as I read, I got really discouraged. Brock seems to think I'm destroying the world and should probably be court martialed (sp?) for ripping the "I'm a queer" bumper sticker of my car. Apparently I "infuriate" this guy. There are many others.

The point: I won't be spending so much time here defending myself. It's useless. As I've said before -- you're really not concerned about what I think or what I tell others or even really about me -- but that evidence of change in my life threatens your sensibilities.

The thing is, my faith is a part of me. I can no more seperate it from myself than I could cut off my own arm. This will not change. But I'm not telling you or anyone else what to do with your life. I'm not telling you to be straight, to be gay, to be a christian or an atheist. Return the favor.

I'll be very clear about how I feel about things. And my feelings are as valid as yours. When I see things that make me feel sorrow for a group of people that I know have some of the same pains in their lives as I do -- I'm gonna say something. Get over it.

Despite what most gay people would like us to believe, there is more to us than our sexual orientation. It doesn't define us. It does not define me. There's more to life than sex (unless you're addicted to it -- then it's pretty overwhelming).

All that said, I'm not naive about this blog -- or the rage it can/may incite in some who very much are threatened by what it says. I respect everyone's opinions and want to hear them. But don't be surprised if I don't defend myself. I don't have to. Live the tolerance you preach at me.

Makes me smile.

Why do I get such a kick out of reading about myself?

"This is one of those blogs that I just have to read because it's so inutterably sad that someone so young is unable to have faith in themself, and has to fall back on what an old book of dubious origin dictates."

It's funny ... I don't feel so young. I feel like I've been an adult since I was six years old.

Attack on gay marriage.

If you want to see a site on the offensive, take a look at this one. This is Eve's personal blog (I think).

UPDATE: \Of*fen"sive\, n.
The state or posture of one who makes attack;
aggressive attitude; the act of the attacking party; --
opposed to {defensive}.
{To act on the offensive}, to be the attacking party.


Just so we're all clear. Words in my mouth that aren't my own.

Thinking too much.

That passage from 1 Corinthians has really been on my mind lately. The fact that I will never have that "oneness" with my possible future wife (at least not in the way God intended) is kind of sobering. And what does it mean, exactly -- to committ a sin against your own body? I know, I think, but I don't really understand, ya know? It's weird.

I often think about how different my life could've been. But then I think about the things that I actually do like in myself, and wonder if those things would be different, too (good things can come out of suffering [seriously, I've read about it]).

5.19.2004

Fox Puts Foot in Its Mouth (surprise)

I agree with the "what the hell are they thinking?" questions. Read this.

Not quite.

One of the comments from the blog I linked to below:

"the sort of fulfillment this guy sounds like he's looking for is the sort that comes from a loving and comitted relationship."

I don't know if this will ever happen. I may never get married -- I may never have another girlfriend (I've had a few, gasp) -- but it's not the point. Lots of people are perfectly content to never have these things (not sure I would be though).

What I'm looking for is fulfillment from being the man God created me to be. I'm far from that right now. The whole idea is that I don't need a relationship with another person to complete me -- it's God who completes me.

Natural selection.

A good article from Exodus. I hop over there to read every now and then. This one was written by Alan Medinger, the same guy who wrote Growth Into Manhood (look to the right).

This page has a lot of good articles, along the same lines as the one above.

Genetically predisposed.

So what? I hear this argument so, so, so much. What if there is a gay gene? There's a cystic fibrosis gene, too. Doesn't mean its normal or okay or that we shouldn't try to fix it. Biological causation is not validation.

Suicide waiting to happen.

That's apparently what I am. A poor, confused, lost soul with nothing to look forward to but taking my own life, because I refuse to believe that God created me gay (read: lost, hurting, confused, disjointed).

That's what they're saying over at this site. There's another post here but I'm not real sure what that one means.

So, lets be clear. I've already tried to kill myself. Well, I came real close. Had I tried, I'd be dead. It had nothing to do with my "orientation" in anyway -- I was actually quite happy frequenting bath houses and hooking up with random college guys at that point in my life. There was a lot of other stuff going on that pushed me over the edge.

God caught me, though.

Today, believe it or not, I'm more stable than I've ever been. Happier with myself than I've ever been. More understanding of God's grace than I've ever been. Life is good. God is good. Life also sucks. God is still good.

5.18.2004

Battle on.

I've been away from gay.com for quite a while now (at least for me). Though the "temptations" seemed to be stronger than usual tonight; I was ready to go looking for a hook-up. But I didn't. I should be thankful, because this is really the worse that it's been since the last time I was with a guy (or 2 guys, actually [at different time] -- on May 7th).

My Bible reading times are becoming more regular, though still not consistent (read, everyday). I'm really enjoying Peterson's The Message translation. I think I'm gonna save up and buy a nice leather bound version. It would be cool if I could find a Message/NIV parallel version or something like that.

Sad.

I really feel like crying for them. Are they really happy? More importantly, are they really okay?

More pictures.

At Mark's blog. He has them posted seperately, so go to his main page to see them all.

1 Corinthians 6

I've been reading Eugene Peterson's "The Message" translation of the Bible. I just find it so much more enjoyable to read than I do something like the NIV or the CEV (though I usually go back to compare). Anyway -- Peterson puts this passage out there perfectly:

"There's more to sex than mere skin on skin. Sex is as much spiritual mystery as physical fact. As written in Scripture, 'The two become one.' Since we want to become spiritually one with the Master, we must not pursue the kind of sex that avoids commitment and intimacy, leaving us more lonely than ever--the kind of sex that can never 'become one.' There is a sense in which sexual sins are different from all others. In sexual sin we violate the sacredness of our own bodies, these bodies that were made for God-given and God-modeled love, for 'becoming one' with another. Or didn't you realize that your body is a sacred place, the place of the Holy Spirit? Don't you see that you can't live however you please, squandering what God paid such a high price for? The physical part of you is not some piece of property belonging to the spiritual part of you. God owns the whole works. So let people see God in and through your body."

It pretty much made me cry. Grieving some of the things I've lost in because of the choices I've made. The wounds may heal, but I'll always have scars.

5.17.2004

Silence.

I'm choosing not to speak so much on the gay marriage issue. But I understand why gays struggle so hard to normalize themselves -- because on so many levels we're not normal. Can you really blame them for trying?

Know thyself.

I've just finished a book called "The Battle for Normality". A little over my head (it's not written in layman's terms) but good nonetheless. There's a series of questions in the back that I'm supposed to go through and answer -- to help form a "profile" of myself -- to know myself better. So, I thought occasionally, I'd answer them here. Here's question number 32 (out of order, 'cause some of them, I just don't want to answer right now).

What kind of person usually arouse your sexual interest, in therms of age, physical or personality traits, behavior or dress?

Interesting question, because I've sort of noticed a pattern with that, myself. I'm 22 -- and I'm generaly attracted to guys slightly older, slightly taller or more built than myself. I seem to really prefer the 25 - 30 age range, but don't mind 30 - 35, either. These same guys, though, usually arouse other feeling in me, other than sexual, though. It's almost like I want to be these guys.

I'm not at all attracted to a guy who's out of shape or overweight -- even slightly. As for personality, I've never given it much thought -- most of the guys I've been with, well, I'm lucky if I even know their names let alone their personality.

The very few guys that I have gotten to know -- their personalities have actually been a huge turn off. They were almost always selfish, rude, arrogant, condescending. Completely the oppposite of people I'd normally hang out with.