..::|:.: Scattered Words

"in brokeness, I could see, that this was your will for me..." :: Jeremy Camp

5.15.2004

If you think I'm misguided.

This just makes me sick. What a total perversion. Okay, I'm really going to bed now.

What I've been thinking.

Last post for today, before I go to bed (very early start tomorrow morning). This was all stuff that came to me as I lay in bed last night. It's a little convoluted, 'cause I was half asleep, but the gist is, I'm lonely.

We've talked before about the "needs" that I've been trying to fill in my life. I don't have a lot of close friends. I haven't made any new friends since I left school almost a year and a half ago now, for various reasons (major, major trust issues).

So, am I using sex to replace intimacy in my life that I get from virtually nowhere? Probably. It's loneliness that drives me to the chatrooms at gay.com. And, we all know where that leads. It's loneliness, too, that drives me to a bath house or a club, etc. There's other stuff, on some level, I'm sure. But loneliness is what I see now.

So the question is, if there's nothing wrong with being gay, as some tell me. Why is being with a guy so unfulfilling? If this is a totally cool lifestyle, why is there no solace in it?

Those are rhetorical. But knowing what I know is only have the journey here. Living Hope says to turn to God in my misery. But honestly, I find it real hard to do that. Real hard. There are so many walls between me and God. The strongholds in my life are choking me, I think.

I like this.

It's a short little post about moral relativism. Good quotes and such.

Conclusions.

There's a lot of jumping to conclusions when it comes to the ex-gay movement, I think. For example, people with no real knowledge of evangelical Christian ideology seem to know exactly what we all think. What we all think.

And based on the e-mails I've been receiving, there are a lot of people out there who'd really like to change my mind on the subject at hand. I can't help but think, though -- it's not that they *want* me to believe that being gay is okay, it's that they *need* me to believe being gay is okay.

Because if God heals me, it could threaten their entire existence.

Going to Hell?

Not the last time I checked. This is an interesting quote:

"I've seen too many people come out of it suicidal... they say you have to be a certain way and, if you're not, you're going to Hell. How do you reconcile that?"

:: The Exodus Aftermath, By Darren J. Roberts, EDGE, November 15, 1995

No one's ever told me that because I'm attracted to men, I'm going to Hell. I'm a christian, my fate is sealed -- I'll dance on the streets of heaven one day no matter what happens with all this.

I don't know of any "ex-gay" ministry that preaches such things. There's a difference between sanctification and justification. (That quote came from this site).

Lots to say.

But little time. My internet connection is tenuous at best right now, but I wanted to drop a line and say that (1) things are going well and (2) I really, really appreciate everyone's viewpoints here, and don't want you to stop -- no matter what you think or who disagrees with you. But, we need to talk about this (a comment from the blog I found on Google, see below):

You're sort of torn between sympathy, and wanting to shake him by the neck until he grows up. "Misguided" is all too accurate for this chap.

I am growing up. That's the whole point. As valid as this person's opinion is -- you don't need to feel sorry for me. I know I come across whiny sometimes -- even wanting your sympathy (and sometimes, I really do) -- but your love and support will do (and have done) so, so much more for me.

5.14.2004

Something more to be clear about.

I absolve myself of absolutely no responsibility for my actions. Unlike God, I need a reason to give myself grace -- so I've gotta search out why I am the way I am. In the words of an author I won't name -- who's screenplay he's let me read -- I can't choose the life I've been handed, but how I respond to it.

I had to mention this.

It's a comment on the blog posted below.

>going on and on and on about gay porn whilst berating oneself

I think you've accidentally put an R into the middle of the 2nd last word there.

You gotta laugh about that. It's pretty funny.

More attention.

Found this one through google. The only thing there I find the need to respond to, is that I don't believe being "attracted" to guys is wrong per se -- lust, homosexual acts, etc. -- yes. If I could control what my mind does, then yeah-- I really would. But those neural pathways are wired pretty hard -- I've just gotta "unwire" them. Then I'll have a whole new set of problems to deal with, as Michael pointed out in a comment somewhere :-)

Attention.

We're getting it. I read Fifteen Minutes all the time (I don't think Justin realizes this, but he went to school with me for a while) and found this in the comments on one of his posts. It's from a guy named Brock (who seems genuinely nice in and of himself):

I'm concerned, also, with the confused individuals who frequent Scattered Words (a website I found through this [Fifteen Minutes] one) and their repressive viewpoints. I feel sorry for the guy there who feels he needs to be straight and I would love to tell some of the people who "lift him up" how unloving they seem to me.

I wonder how to make everything really clear. I don't feel I need to be straight, really. I want to be straight. That's what I've wanted all my life. I feel that I can't go on being not straight anymore -- regardless of whether I'm right or not (and I am right), it's a lifestyle that's at odds with my faith -- something that's a deep part of me. Even if people can't agree, why can't they see that this is something I need to do? That in the end I'll be better off for it.

Most of all, why can't they just see this is right? Is it good for me to be addicted to sex? Is it good for me to look at pornography and jack off all the time and randomly hook-up with any guy I can find? Is this a healthy, safe lifestyle? Is it okay to ignore the real needs in my life and continue to fill them with sex? Is it okay to be constantly depressed, lonely, unfulfilled, and always full of self-pity? Is it okay that the way I'm going, I'll never be married -- I never fulfill something I believe God has laid out for my life? Is it okay that I slap God in the face by choosing which parts of his commands I'll follow and those that I won't?

Is it okay to go on through the rest of my life hurting?

It's just so much more then feeling that I "need to be straight" -- so much more.

5.13.2004

Summer lovin', happened so fast.

So, it's that time of the year: when the sun shines, the flowers bloom, the birds sing, the guys take off their shirts. Sigh. Too much too look at. For the first time in my life, I wish it were winter. Double sigh.

Still going, and going and going...

Things have been well. I've successfully abstained from all "guilty" pleasures, shall we say for nearly a week. But alas, I've done that before. The trick, as I see it, is how to keep going without running into a wall, or a cliff. Ya know?

5.12.2004

Nothing good, nothing bad.

Life is slow right now. Nothing good nor bad to report here. I haven't seen gay.com since last week, so I'm all the way of like what, 3-4 days strong. What a (sarcasm) milestone. Sigh. One day at a time. One day at a time.

5.10.2004

Temptation.

So, Friday night's random hook-up guy sorta wanted to hook-up again tonight. He didn't push hard for it, but I didn't push him hard the other way, either. I think he wanted to go get drunk or something, but if he had asked I would've gone. Arrrgh. I just don't have any will-power/discipline/cajones at all. Praise God for keeping me safe, cause I don't do a good job of it myself.

Playing my role.

I'm so frustrated. I like Mark's blog, I really do. I read it a good bit. But this post is just illustrative of the innappropriate ways well-meaning Christians respond to homosexuals (struggling to depart or living it out).

Lets be clear about some stuff. I didn't choose this for myself. I never chose to be abused, I never chose to have a emotionally-constrained father. I didn't choose to become attracted to guys or have those attractions hard-wired into my brain. And like most of you can't simply "choose" to become gay, I can't so easily "choose" to be straight.

I can choose to stop sleeping with guys. Unfortunately, that's really only the tip of the ice-berg, so to speak.

So, the next time you wanna tell someone to get over it or stop playing the victim or we all have our problems, just remember: compassion, mercy, grace, etc. Try hard not to be condescending, self-righteous and dismissive. Even for a person who wants to, they can't change over night. And if you were homosexual, you'd be trying to rationalize your life, too.

COMPASSION, GRACE, MERCY. Get some.

Misery.

I spent most of the day running across extremely attractive guys. I mean all day. Committment to purity. Yeah. Withdrawal and misery. Double yeah.

I never noticed it so much before -- in fact, I rarely remember seeing a guy on the street and wanting to jump him right there. This too will pass. Soon, I hope.

5.09.2004

Deceit.

Mark Bergin has some interesting pics from an interesting rally/protest. They make me wanna cry. They really do. What's worse, is scrolling down, looking at all the pictures, all I could think of when I saw this one was how hot the guys are. Sigh.

Galatians.

I started reading it tonight (just before the phone rang). Paul's an interesting guy. Sorta my new hero. He talks about how he was -- "systematically" destroying Christians, according to The Message. Kind of the way I've been systematically destroying myself.

On another note, I have to go meet this random hookup guy I was with on Friday, because I left something in his car that I need back. I'm just praying that I'll be able to get what I need and leave. Please God. Strength. Disicpline. Please.

Blogger went and changed.

Which is cool. They have their own commenting system, so we're gonna see how it works -- and if all goes well, I'll remove the haloscan ones and just stick with blogger.

UPDATE: not liking the blogger commenting system at all, so, we're stickin' with Haloscan. They're nice.

Key words.

So, I missed something about those keys to recovery down there last night. Specifically, the key words "misery" and "withdrawal." I never thought I'd be one to be addicted to anything. Drugs, alcohol, cigarettes -- I avoid all that junk like the plague, so...this just sucks.