..::|:.: Scattered Words

"in brokeness, I could see, that this was your will for me..." :: Jeremy Camp

5.08.2004

Keys to recovery.

From Living Hope. The one's I have the most trouble with right now, and that I'm committing to work on (work on hard).

6. Commit to sexual purity. This means trusting God for the strength to abstain from physically acting out, engaging in sexual fantasy, pornography and masturbation. Many people who want freedom from homosexuality are also addicted to sex and/or masturbation. As with any other addiction, there are withdrawal pains. Let the misery of not medicating yourself with sexual sin drive you to God instead of your past destructive behaviors. As long as you are making compromises, you can't hear from God clearly.

10. Develop self-discipline. Do something every day you don't want to do. The homosexual/lesbian emotional mindset is very self-centered and self-indulgent; recovery means learning to be Christ-centered and self-denying.

11. Remember when you stumble that a fall is not the same as a wholesale return to your old life. There is a difference between a single event and an ongoing habit. When babies learn to walk, they fall down. It's part of learning to walk. Give yourself grace; God does.

We'll see how it goes.

I did it.

I picked up my Bible and read, of my own accord. :-) I feel better. Some. I owe God some serious apologies. Ever wonder why He tolerates so many slaps in the face? Shows us so much mercy, so much grace, compassion? It's underserved -- and I think it's that part of it thats so frightful. It's hard to understand, and what I don't understand, I tend to fear.

Sin, confess, repeat.

I don't have anything else to say. For now.

5.07.2004

Well.

I'm losing my motivation. I think. Maybe I'm just tired. I have so, so, so much to do. I don't want to do anything. Is discipline making yourself do stuff you don't want to? Yes, I have a problem with that.

Motivation.

I have it. For some strange reason. Maybe it's all of you out there praying for me, I don't kow? Truth is, no one in my off-line life knows about me (as far as I know). I'm way to *ashamed* (I guess) to let them see this in me. It's easier to be way honest in a psuedo-anonymous forum like this.

My Bible's still sitting up there on my shelf. I wanta pick it up. I really do. I just feel, kinda embarassed -- ya know? Like I'm only doing it to get something in return. I'm not sure that matters, but then, maybe it does. Maybe. It takes a while to form a habit. It'll probably feel awkward for a while.

5.06.2004

Trying hard.

I'm behind on reading scripts, so I don't have much to say (or much time to say it in). But I'm trying real hard to stay awaay from gay.com right now, which is good. And it's going well. It always just leads to badness, being there. I think God protects me from it sometimes-- sometimes more than I deserve. More later.

I hate gay.com so much.

Yet why, oh why can I not resist going there almost every time I sit down at my computer? Why!!?? I'm so weak sometimes. So, so weak.

5.05.2004

The story so far.

Er, at least part of the story. I mentioned in a comment somewhere on here that I can point to a lot of specific reasons that I struggle the way I do now. So, that leads me to talking a little bit more about my backstory.

The first and foremost reason, I believe, is that I was sexually abused around the age of six or five. I'm not real sure when. It was a guy I knew. I was close to him. I looked up to him. He destroyed me. The first step in recovery was admitting that to myself. It wasn't like I was denying it or anything -- I just never labeled it as abuse until prety late in my life. Then all hell broke loose (more on that later).

So what does that have to do with anything now? Not all childhood abuse survivors are homosexual, you say? You say right. Though, being exposed to sex so early -- being forced to deal with adult issues so soon screwed me up a little. As a result, I was sexually active "by choice" at a pretty early age. Thirteen, if I remember correctly. Throw in a rocky relationship with an emotionally distant and detached father ... well you get the idea.

The sexual abuse robbed me of my childhood. I skipped some pretty key developmental steps that I'd give anything to go back and change. But I can't. I didn't grow into a "man" the way I was supposed to and I can't do it now either (at the age of 22). My experiences now will never mirror what a 12 year old boy (or whatever age) goes through.

So, that brings me to what now? Mediger's book is helping a little (Growth Into Manhood). I'm not sure it'll all really work though. Or that I completely understand it. That's the story so far (most of it). More later.

Slippery Slope.

Many of you propably know about the slippery slope as it refers to journalism and the first amendment. My slippery slope, I think though, is the internet. It leads me to bad places sometimes.

More on that later; and, I promised you more information about myself, and that is coming. But I'm late for church -- I've been sleeping all afternoon due to this massive sinus infection. It's quite painful. But I feel well now and am quite motivated to get out of my room. I'll be back soon with lots to say, I'm sure.

What can I say.

Last night wasn't such a good night. I have such the "no" willpower -- it's almost unbelievable. There are these areas of temptation for me that I can't seem to resist getting close to. Then, when I get too close, I get set burned (if I just don't totally walk through the fire willingly). Well, I have some meetings today and need to get going. Though I realize that you all don't know so much about me yet, so more of that to come when I get home this evening.

5.04.2004

I don't think it's funny.

I spend some time every now and then over in the forums at Livehope.org. They're a cool group -- though some of them are so flippant about their SSA (same-sex attraction, don't worry, I couldn't figure it out either). They're able to joke about it and laugh and make fun of themselves. I can't. I'm absolutely devasted by the fact that I'm gay.

But I want to. I'm not complaining about them or anything like that. I would love to be in the place that they are. I'd love to be at any other place other than where I am. I'd love to be able to make fun of myself and not take all this so seriously -- but it weighs so hard on my heart. It hurts so much. It's like a disease. A chronic illness that no one really knows what the cure (or cause). Except for those of you whom would say Jesus (and sin). And I agree. Really, I do. But alas, nothing in life is ever that simple. Is it?

5.03.2004

Didn't do so good.

I gave in and surfed over to gay.com's chat rooms. I don't know why I like it there so much. I'm usually pretty good at resisting the random hookup offers -- so it's not like I get all of this sex from it or anything. I just like to talk to people, maybe. Though eventually it wears me down. Gay.com is usually a big reason as to why I can't break my one week streak.

Hot guys.

I've been thinking a lot about how I respond when I see an "attractive" guy. (I'm also fighting the urge to head over to gay.com's chat rooms, so I'm blogging instead). I'm not sure if it's necessarily a "sexual" attraction. Maybe it's more that I see something in these guys that I'm missing myself -- some aspect of my masculinity that isn't there are developed. Am I making sense?

Needs.

In the comments on my last post, the question has been raised as to what "needs" I'm trying to fill with sex? That's a good question -- because aside from the fact that I'm a guy attracted to other guys, I also have the fantastic problem of sex addiction (most homosexuals do, I gather). So I struggle with all the crossed wires in my brain and all the pain/problems of an addiction, too.

So, the question -- what am I trying to fill? Lots of things, I guess. The need for love, acceptance, that missing part of my masculinity. Lots of things. Lots and lots of things. It doesn't work though.

5.02.2004

Very, very long day.

I work at a department store on the weekend, while I pretend that I'm a writer during the week. It's not so bad, but I miss church every week -- and the days are long, very, very long. I'm exhausted.

I'm also chatting with some guy I met on the web. He's trying his best to get me to hook up. I'd be more amiable if I weren't so tired. I guess waking up at four in the morning is to my benefit today. It'll at least keep me home and my pants on.

I also found out that one of the guys at work is gay -- which is surprising -- because I totally thought he was straight. So straight in fact, that he intimidated me and I thought he could definitely tell how gay I am. But he hasn't seemed to notice, or just isn't interested. Either way, it's for the best, I guess. He so much more interesting (and attractive) to me, now that I know he's gay. I need to stay away though.

I ended up spending Friday night at a bath house. Second time in two weeks. Third time, maybe, in the last two months. I lose count sometimes. I hate it there. But I really like it there, too. I try my hardest to resist going -- but sometimes, I don't know -- it's just easy. On a Friday night, there's hundreds of guys there (a cure for my loneliness, too). All looking for the same thing. But it's so bad for me, and so risky. It's funny though, that after this last time, I don't feel as guilty as I usually do.

I was with only one guy Friday night. Another guy that I met here in town the week before and one or two guys that last time I was at the baths. So, so many guys. I once went about six months with out sex. Ironically, that's also the six months when my devotional time was at its most consistent and strongest. I haven't picked up my Bible in weeks -- and, I can hardly go a week without sex. I'm trying though. I'm just not sure I'm making any headway.

More later. Me sleep right now.