..::|:.: Scattered Words

"in brokeness, I could see, that this was your will for me..." :: Jeremy Camp

6.09.2004

What didn't work 8.

Trying to Force Opposite-Sex Attraction
Some of the worst ... advice we ever received was to resolve our homosexual feelings by dating women ... to arouse interest. We already loved women - as sisters. We identified with them - too much so.

Our problem was not generally with women, so that's not where the solution lay. Our problem was with heterosexual men and masculinity, and with our own maleness. ... We needed to spend more time with heterosexual men, not with women. Before we could concern ourselves with attraction to women, we had to feel like more of a man. We needed to ground ourselves much more firmly in a male identity and in the male world...

This is the approach Medinger takes in Growth Into Manhood (the latter). He says affirmation and acceptance from men can help one to pick-up where the stages of emotional developmental growth left. It's like a process that all straight guys go through, and though I can't ever go back and fix those things now and develop the way and adolescent boy is supposed too -- I can in a way, make substitutions in my adult life now. It just feels so weird.

Medinger suggests things like sports and other stuff that guys generally like. Though I've known a few guys who were good at sports, I haven't known many. I was okay -- I wasn't like a track star or quarterback or anything like that. It wasn't that I didn't have the physical skill or hand eye coordination either, it was just that I didn't care. I had little interest in playing sports and I have even less in watching them on television (though I do both occassionally).

Part of the disinterest was fear, though. For one, I never did anything that I wasn't really good at. If I sucked, I quit. I never got better and that contributed to a fear of being embarrassed, especially when so many guys were so good, or it just came so easily to them.

I do shy completely away from "guy" situations though. It's a foreign world to me, strange and uncomfortable. I think this is one of the ways the church has been so helpful. The Christian guys I've met have generally been very accepting and affirming of me. I've been able to cautiously step out into this "guys" world and test myself, without getting the hell beat out of my self-esteem. It's still scary though.