..::|:.: Scattered Words

"in brokeness, I could see, that this was your will for me..." :: Jeremy Camp

6.07.2004

What didn't work 6.

There's so much to write, seriously. So much stuff in my head, but I'm short on time. I should've been in bed an hour ago. But I wanted to comment on this:

Shame, Self-Ridicule and Self-Hate
For those of us who once "came out" as a homosexual and embraced "gay pride," we found it immensely freeing to release the shame, self-ridicule and self-hate that had crippled us for so long. ... Until we did, they entrapped us, disabled us and obstructed real change. ... it was counterproductive to embrace an openly gay identity and lifestyle in an attempt to free ourselves of shame and hate, ... doing so required us to suppress our conscience and surrender our values. ... it is ultimately far more healing and freeing to "come out" as a man who is courageously reclaiming his innate masculine identity, brotherly love for other men and spiritual connection to God.

I think this is the most mis-understood part of my journey, for a lot here. Simply because I reject something many of you have embraced, I'm viewed as self-hating and self-loathing (despite any evidence in my writing to support that). Your views about this might rest in the idea that your sexuality is your identity. It's not mine. By rejecting homosexuality as valid, I haven't rejected myself -- but embraced what God has for me.

Tim said this:

"I must be missing something as I read Ben's writings. He does not seem to be filled with self-loathing. Is self-loathing a sign of homosexual tendency? Or is the sexual promiscuity associated with male homosexual practices an expression of self-loathing?"

Stunning words, if you ask me. Not the part about me, but rather his last question.

All this to say, I've never liked myself more. I've never understood my place and what God's doing in my life more. I've never understood my sexuality more. I have these moments, these epiphanies when I'm away from my Blog and can't write them down right away -- remarkable moments of clarity that my Pastor calls the "ah-hah" moments in life. I try to capture them, but I can never quite express what I feel or understand in words. It all comes out, slowly I guess in one form or another.