..::|:.: Scattered Words

"in brokeness, I could see, that this was your will for me..." :: Jeremy Camp

6.02.2004

What didn't work 4.

Indulging It
At one time, many of us were convinced that indulging our desires for homosexual expression was the only way to satisfy them and get relief from constant yearning for male attention and affection. And in fact it did bring relief -- momentarily. But those of us who did indulge those desires often found that, when the fleeting embrace or erotic experience was over, we felt more lonely and desperate than before. The "hole" inside our souls that we were constantly trying to fill was deeper and emptier than ever, and we were desperate for more. It became easy for us to fall into addiction and dependency.

Even those of us who found a romantic partner who seemed like he would always be there for us often found we could never get enough of him to fill the emptiness inside ourselves. The true need buried deep inside was a little boy's need for love and acceptance from his father and from the other boys and to fully and proudly embrace his masculinity. Sex with another man only alienated us from ever really finding the real solution to our needs.


This one, I tried. And they're right -- it didn't work. It's actually what's led me to where I am. More so than what I've read in the Bible and heard at church. Think about it this way -- I've known what God says about my behavior for a long, long time. I knew and I ignored it. I did what I wanted anyway -- and I came up empty.

I indulged for years. Knowing the risks, knowing the harm. I still remember my first gay club. I remember being asked to go home with three different guys. I remember my first bath house (I'll spare you those details). I remember my first gay bar.

I was think about that old school DC Talk song -- "I Don't Want It" or something like that. There's that one line, "too much skin is in your vision..." It rings very true. The idea that I'll be living with these images for the rest of my life (or a really long time) is -- unsettling.