..::|:.: Scattered Words

"in brokeness, I could see, that this was your will for me..." :: Jeremy Camp

6.01.2004

What didn't work 2.

Using Willpower
We certainly never consciously chose to be sexually attracted to men. Neither could we simple choose to change and be attracted to women instead. At best, willpower could only help us resist the urge to indulge whatever sexual desire we felt in the moment. It could not bring long-term healing.

Rather than work on our will, or our mental control, we found it much more effective to work on our heart, or our emotional and spiritual desire.

I'm so glad someone has said this. I think it's a point missed by most on both sides.

And I think it's what a lot of people here miss about me. They tell me in comments and e-mails that I'd be happy if I only accepted who I am. I have and I am. I am a man of God. A man of God with a wounded, broken heart that I've worked so hard to protect. I've kept if from everyone -- even God. I'm changing that. I'm choosing to change that.

At its foundation, this struggle isn't about my sexuality. Amber said it best: it's about how I respond to God. Of all the people here, the one in the best place to know what God wants for me is me. I've spent nearly half my life with God, and I know Him pretty well.

So, looking at this -- I'm a long, long way off. My willpower is pretty good right now. But self-discipline is only one of the many, many things I need to learn. My devotional time (as much as I hate the word devotional) is pitiful to non-existent. I used to take walks. Long walks, just talking to God (normally telling Him how angry I was at Him for all the things He's let happen to me). I don't do that anymore. I have to force myself to pray, to study my Bible.