..::|:.: Scattered Words

"in brokeness, I could see, that this was your will for me..." :: Jeremy Camp

6.12.2004

Questions.

I received an e-mail this morning from someone who wanted some clarification about all this stuff. The author suggested all my readers might benefit from the answers, so I hope she doesn't mind if I post them here. I think I have touched on most of these, but they bare repeating anyways.

1 - Why am I doing this? What made me decide to try and change?
A lot of things. Mostly the idea of how destructful I was being to myself and my relationship with God -- that I was "grieving the Holy Spirit" and stagnating my own spiritual growth with every step. I'd been trying so hard to fill a whole in my life and I knew what I was doing wasn't working. There was / is a war inside me and it was time to pick a side.

2 - What's the hardest part so far?
The hardest part has really been turning to God instead of turning to myself. Realizing that I can't do this on my own, that it's not even *my* battle has been rough. Then there's the whole no sex thing. That's not so easy, either.

3 - What about the whole women thing? How does that work?
Beats me. I've had girlfriends before -- but I'm not sure I've ever felt an real "pull" toward them. There are times when I am attracted to a girl, but they're rare. I'm more attracted to a girl when I know she's attracted to me, but I think that's the same for everyone. Will I ever get married? I don't know. Do I want to, yes, very much so. I want a family some day.

4 - And men, where are you at with that?
Surprisingly, it hasn't been that hard to abstain from sex. It's normally a lot harder; I've had trouble going one week, now I'm at like two months or something like that. Does that mean the desire or attraction isn't there? No, it's still there. But I think the "desire" is much stronger than that "attraction" -- I posted a little on that below. I think the attraction is a reaction, almost involuntary. The desire, what I feel in my heart, that's coming from something else. I'm working on it though.

I think that covers pretty much everything that was asked in the e-mail (I paraphrased the questions though). If I think of more things to say about this stuff, I'll add to it later.