..::|:.: Scattered Words

"in brokeness, I could see, that this was your will for me..." :: Jeremy Camp



It's becoming a constant battle, and I can't stop it. Justin sums it up well, for me. But I will point some stuff out. Such as, Chris:

"...something that purports to be by "Ben", a 22 year-old student from Washington DC."

I'm not a student. Never said I was. It's an honest mistake I'm sure, but a careless one nonetheless.

"However, his "experiences" read a bit too much like the case-stories from the various ex-gay tracts that I have read in the past. Details such as the "distant father", "abusive older male" are all tick-boxes from these."

And the author takes the easy road in explaining this: I'm not real, but an ex-gay agenda tool. The other possibility is that the ministries, ex-gays, health professionals, etc. who are saying these things were actually right when they said them. But no, that can't be. Sorry for bringing it up.

"If he is so weak-willed as to be so shamelessly promiscuous, how come he doesn't get angry when people criticise him?"

I'm not sure weak-will and my promiscuity go together, as I was fighting hard against what my conscience and faith were telling me, but I'll let that one slide. Why don't I get angry? Because if my well-being depended on how I react to what some of you say to me, about me, around me -- whatever -- I'd be dead by now. I've remained detached and don't take anything said here personally. And I won't.

Perhaps Troy should read my "Things I've Never Said" post:

He believes all gays are sex addicts. All gay people were abused as children, have emotionally distant fathers, have one nights stands, are arrogant, self-centered and frequent bath houses. He believes all gay men seek sex in order to fill a void in their lives.

I guess if I can be painted with a stereotype brush, then I shouldn't feel too bad when others think I do the same to them. They've already done it to me. But I do feel bad. I won't understand why others hold as fact what goes on in my head -- when they've only guessed.

NOTE AFTER THE FACT: I kind of liked Troy's post though. Kudos to anyone who can demonstrate rational discussion on the topic at hand, which I believe Troy does.

And I'll never understand the ability of some to connect the abuse and all the other stuff in my life with my present suffering, but conveniently discount homosexuality as part of it. As if the sex drive and our emotions and psyche and souls aren't connected. If one things affects my sexuality, you can't discount something else just because you don't like the implication. For example (comment by Jody):

"...his very real problems -- sexual abuse, depression, rage, even sexual acting out -- get sublimated to his "problem" of homosexuality. There are times it seems like it's only a minor improvement that superstition can no longer physically burn people at the stake, only mentally torture them instead."

Rage? I'll let that one slide, too. But seriously, just x out homosexuality from the list of problems, because well, you want to. If you don't see the connection, no amount of writing here is going to make you see it, I guess.

On the other hand, I did find this one today:

Why is it that I can explore what my faith means to me in relative peace, whilst Ben is accused of being self-loathing, spreading hatred, and all other manner of strange things?

I'm not linking to it here, because I don't want to disturb her peace (rumor has it that some experience fall-out on their own sites after commenting here).

This battle with all of you, I'm not going to win it. I'm not trying. But I will continue to point stuff like this out, even if just to work through it all myself. If I were stone, well then, that would be a different story. I may not get angry or even that hurt over the criticsm (for now), but I won't forget it.