..::|:.: Scattered Words

"in brokeness, I could see, that this was your will for me..." :: Jeremy Camp

6.04.2004

I don't want to think about this.

Which is why I haven't written about it yet. I've had three HIV tests since 2001. They've all been negative, and every time I swear that I'm done having sex with guys. The stress-- waiting for the results is enough to make me want to lie down and die. The week between the test and the results is hell, and I could really beat the hell out of myself for making such stupid, stupid decisions (sorry for the language, but I'm serious).

So, I need another test. But I'm waiting. HIV antibodies can form anywhere from 1 to 3 months from infection, so instead of putting myself through two tests (a primary and follow-up) I'm just going to wait. It's only been a month since the last time I had sex -- I'll wait until the test results will be conclusive with one test. I could go for a PCR test that's fully conclusive at 28 days after infection (it detects the virus isntead of the antibodies), but, maybe I just want an excuse to put it off longer.

It plagues my thoughts though. That's why God's plan works the best: one partner, and one partner only (your spouse in case there was any question).