..::|:.: Scattered Words

"in brokeness, I could see, that this was your will for me..." :: Jeremy Camp

6.10.2004

Grow Down.

I found a new site, thanks to Every Tomorrow. It's called Deeper Devotion: Grow Down. I read this on their daily devotion page (online devotionals are cool, 'cause they're free).

... I can tell you that the instructions have never forced themselves into my hand or made my face turn and read them. That’s because it’s my job to seek them out and to understand them. The problem is, I don’t value them like I should. Proverbs explains that instruction is “your life.” That sound’s pretty important to me.

Sounds pretty important to me, too. The verse referenced is Proverbs 4:13.

It's hardest, I think, to follow instructions when we don't know what they are (or don't care). I've written about Corinthians 6 over and over again, because in a way, it's a daily reminder of what God's instructions are for sex. And I think about when I started having sex on a pretty routine basis (around 13). I really, really didn't understand that what I was doing was wholly inappropriate and harmful. I didn't realize that God says anything about sex. After being abused (and the abuse was never violent, or even forceful) I just figured it was what I was supposed to do.

I liked to think that if I hadn't been abused, I wouldn't of started having sex so early. Well, I know I wouldn't have started having sex so early -- I wouldn't have even known what it was, really. I'm pretty sure I wouldn't of turned to other guys, either (or at least, I don't think I would've). I just thought it was I was supposed to do (not to mention that I might have been trying to balance a total lack of connection with my father).

Which brings me back to my bare it like Beckham post. My first reaction to seeing a guy has never been "I want to have sex with him," though that thought usually follows. My first reaction is usually "I want to be him." This happens most when I see a guy walking down the street with his shirt off or something. Like there's some kind of subconscious representation of what a "man" is and what a shirtless guy represents to me, for some reason. I don't really understand this, yet. But I've been noticing it a lot lately (summer time).