..::|:.: Scattered Words

"in brokeness, I could see, that this was your will for me..." :: Jeremy Camp

5.23.2004

Wrong or right?

Who really cares? At least not me, not right now. Right or wrong was never the point, and believe me or don't, but it was never even part of the journey for me.

Moral implications aside -- there are other problems with homosexuality that I can't bring myself to live with. My "Design" post deals with some of that. Sexual addiction is a big problem. The promiscuity is another (and you can't tell me that it's not a "homosexual" problem, the hundreds of guys in the bath house every Friday night: having sex in the hallways, not using condoms, being with 3 or 4 or more guys in one night, it all tells me otherwise). I know straight people can be promiscuous too (and I would say they have some of the same emotional problems as homosexuals), but I know a lot of straight people -- none of them even come close to the promiscuity of the gay men I've known. All of them together don't come close to my own promiscuity.

I've been told over and over again that I can have a committed, manogomous relationship with a guy. I doubt it. I just can't see how. The relationship is so one sided -- so selfish. It's not love, it's emotional dependency. The gay men I've known have been just so, so -- self absorbed and carnal -- seeking to please and fulfill themselves instead of others around them (not even their partners).

I'm not bashing. I'm observing. I'm guilty of many of the same things. It's just not a lifestyle that I want to live in. God says it's wrong. Okay. I say it's futile. I say it's empty, painful, addictive, self-serving -- the list goes on.

Regardless of what you might think, I can't just ignore what's driving me toward men and why being with men doesn't work for me. Something needs to change in my life.