..::|:.: Scattered Words

"in brokeness, I could see, that this was your will for me..." :: Jeremy Camp

5.28.2004

Wild at Heart.

I appreciate all the advice on books to read. Wild at Heart is more apt to my situation (and most gay guys) than most of you know. Many of us are so lacking in basic masculine qualities -- Eldredge's approach and thougts are particularly appropriate. Besides, I met John a while back (drove him to the airport when he spoke at my school) and I think some of you are missing his point -- and his heart. Read bringin up boys by Dobson, and you'll find he's not far removed from Eldredge. And despite popular opinion, I do have the capacity to think for myself -- usually. Sometimes other parts of my body take over for my brain, but...

Which brings me to what I was thinking about at work last night. I see these guys around, guys that I guess I think are "attractive" -- not that it's wrong to recognize a person's physical beauty -- it's just that after all this time my brain is conditioned to immediately sexualize that. But as I try to capture those moments, as I analyze and think about them -- I've noticed something more.

There's this twinge in my stomach. A moment of sadness, a moment of guilt -- a flash of jealousy. Jealousy. It's not necessarily their physical appearance I'm jealous of (I think that's part of it, though, I'm pretty in shape but entirely insecure) but rather their "masculine" appearance. It's like they have what I'm lacking, and it radiates off them. And I want it. Then I sexualize it, yada yada yada yada. I don't know. It's just a thought so far.