..::|:.: Scattered Words

"in brokeness, I could see, that this was your will for me..." :: Jeremy Camp

5.15.2004

What I've been thinking.

Last post for today, before I go to bed (very early start tomorrow morning). This was all stuff that came to me as I lay in bed last night. It's a little convoluted, 'cause I was half asleep, but the gist is, I'm lonely.

We've talked before about the "needs" that I've been trying to fill in my life. I don't have a lot of close friends. I haven't made any new friends since I left school almost a year and a half ago now, for various reasons (major, major trust issues).

So, am I using sex to replace intimacy in my life that I get from virtually nowhere? Probably. It's loneliness that drives me to the chatrooms at gay.com. And, we all know where that leads. It's loneliness, too, that drives me to a bath house or a club, etc. There's other stuff, on some level, I'm sure. But loneliness is what I see now.

So the question is, if there's nothing wrong with being gay, as some tell me. Why is being with a guy so unfulfilling? If this is a totally cool lifestyle, why is there no solace in it?

Those are rhetorical. But knowing what I know is only have the journey here. Living Hope says to turn to God in my misery. But honestly, I find it real hard to do that. Real hard. There are so many walls between me and God. The strongholds in my life are choking me, I think.