..::|:.: Scattered Words

"in brokeness, I could see, that this was your will for me..." :: Jeremy Camp

5.02.2004

Very, very long day.

I work at a department store on the weekend, while I pretend that I'm a writer during the week. It's not so bad, but I miss church every week -- and the days are long, very, very long. I'm exhausted.

I'm also chatting with some guy I met on the web. He's trying his best to get me to hook up. I'd be more amiable if I weren't so tired. I guess waking up at four in the morning is to my benefit today. It'll at least keep me home and my pants on.

I also found out that one of the guys at work is gay -- which is surprising -- because I totally thought he was straight. So straight in fact, that he intimidated me and I thought he could definitely tell how gay I am. But he hasn't seemed to notice, or just isn't interested. Either way, it's for the best, I guess. He so much more interesting (and attractive) to me, now that I know he's gay. I need to stay away though.

I ended up spending Friday night at a bath house. Second time in two weeks. Third time, maybe, in the last two months. I lose count sometimes. I hate it there. But I really like it there, too. I try my hardest to resist going -- but sometimes, I don't know -- it's just easy. On a Friday night, there's hundreds of guys there (a cure for my loneliness, too). All looking for the same thing. But it's so bad for me, and so risky. It's funny though, that after this last time, I don't feel as guilty as I usually do.

I was with only one guy Friday night. Another guy that I met here in town the week before and one or two guys that last time I was at the baths. So, so many guys. I once went about six months with out sex. Ironically, that's also the six months when my devotional time was at its most consistent and strongest. I haven't picked up my Bible in weeks -- and, I can hardly go a week without sex. I'm trying though. I'm just not sure I'm making any headway.

More later. Me sleep right now.