..::|:.: Scattered Words

"in brokeness, I could see, that this was your will for me..." :: Jeremy Camp

5.05.2004

The story so far.

Er, at least part of the story. I mentioned in a comment somewhere on here that I can point to a lot of specific reasons that I struggle the way I do now. So, that leads me to talking a little bit more about my backstory.

The first and foremost reason, I believe, is that I was sexually abused around the age of six or five. I'm not real sure when. It was a guy I knew. I was close to him. I looked up to him. He destroyed me. The first step in recovery was admitting that to myself. It wasn't like I was denying it or anything -- I just never labeled it as abuse until prety late in my life. Then all hell broke loose (more on that later).

So what does that have to do with anything now? Not all childhood abuse survivors are homosexual, you say? You say right. Though, being exposed to sex so early -- being forced to deal with adult issues so soon screwed me up a little. As a result, I was sexually active "by choice" at a pretty early age. Thirteen, if I remember correctly. Throw in a rocky relationship with an emotionally distant and detached father ... well you get the idea.

The sexual abuse robbed me of my childhood. I skipped some pretty key developmental steps that I'd give anything to go back and change. But I can't. I didn't grow into a "man" the way I was supposed to and I can't do it now either (at the age of 22). My experiences now will never mirror what a 12 year old boy (or whatever age) goes through.

So, that brings me to what now? Mediger's book is helping a little (Growth Into Manhood). I'm not sure it'll all really work though. Or that I completely understand it. That's the story so far (most of it). More later.