..::|:.: Scattered Words

"in brokeness, I could see, that this was your will for me..." :: Jeremy Camp

5.23.2004

Paralyzed.

No more. I read Alan Medinger's book, Growth Into Manhood a while ago, and just recently have picked up again. The things he said really resonated with me, and I wanted to go through it again. Here's a good quote:

"Although a man may hate his homosexuality with all of his heart and mind, at the same time, there are ways in which he loves it. For many of us, homosexual acting out was for years and years was our way of coping with life, a way of escape, of self-comforting, of finding temporary relief from the terrible pain and emptiness we felt inside. We hated it and at the same time we loved it, and in our ambivalence we were paralyzed."

Sound familiar? It's probably why every now and then, I really, really miss being at my local bath house. Not because of not getting any -- but because I really miss it. I miss what it did for me, like a drug, dulling and pushing away a lot of pain and emptiness. If it weren't all so fleeting and empty in and of itself, I might be there right now.