..::|:.: Scattered Words

"in brokeness, I could see, that this was your will for me..." :: Jeremy Camp

5.29.2004

More.

I promised I'd write about this when I had more time to think it over. I still think that Joe is one of the most level-headed dissenters (from my opinion) that's frequented here so far. I wish that said more about him, because I like his post so much, but many naysayers here have been so beligerant, arrogant and rude -- it's just not the high praise for Joe that it should be. Anyway, one paragrah stuck out to me:

"Don't just think about homosexuality. Feel what comes up for you around your sexuality. Be with your feelings, whatever they are. You can do not good by denying them. You may not know what those feelings are, and some of your deepest feelings may be so deeply buried that they are a mystery to you."

He's right. You can't deny your feelings. The last time I tried to do that, I failed miserably. I tried to shut out pain I was feeling instead of letting myself live through it -- but instead I shut everything out. I became emotionless -- depressed. Dead. You cannot deny what you feel.

But you can't always trust what you feel, either. It's a total balancing act, I guess -- there's something to be said for that "gut" feeling. But feelings can cloud or judgement, too. I guess the real thing here is that all of this has little to do with my sexuality.

Yes, I said all of this has little to do with my sexuality. It's the tip of the iceberg, as a counselor several years ago pointed out to me. I've pointed out my sexual abuse (though most are dismissive of it -- I know that not all whom are abused turn out gay, but still), but there's more. A lot more. Specific memories and turning points in my development. I'll get to these, slowly. They're hard to deal with -- very, very painful memories.

And I have to relieve them. I can shut this stuff off, repress and ignore it as if it weren't there. I have to "feel" the pain; to grieve in order to heal. I don't want to. But God's taught me this lesson before, and I don't want to fall backwards. It's hard to type and cry at the same time though, so bare with me.