..::|:.: Scattered Words

"in brokeness, I could see, that this was your will for me..." :: Jeremy Camp

5.22.2004

Identification.

At work tonight, I kept thinking about what it means to be gay and wether that's something I should continue to identify myself as (not that I do so publicly anyway, just in my own head). In an abuse situation, most survivors are encouraged to think of themselves as such for only as long as its necessary. The abuse didn't / doesn't define them (though it may have played a big part in their development). And though I was sexually abused as a kid, I don't let that be ruling in my thought / action patterns. Why should I let the fact that I'm attracted to guys do so either?

On another note, I've never before in my life reacted so much to guys that I think are, well, hot. Let me put it this way, I've never noticed noticing guys all that much before -- at least guys where the relationship / environment is a completely platonic one. Or maybe it's just that I'm catching myself more. Which could be a good sign (ie, the reactions are not completely autonomous, they can be controlled).