..::|:.: Scattered Words

"in brokeness, I could see, that this was your will for me..." :: Jeremy Camp

5.27.2004

Every Man's Battle.

I like girls in suits. I don't know why. I noticed that at work yesterday -- and it caught me completely off guard. I actually noticed that a while back when I was working in government (briefly, but everyone wore suits), but still -- it's rare that I'm attracted to anything but a girl's personality. I guess that's not a real bad thing. At least that's what the guys who wrote Every Man's Battle say. It's not my battle -- yet.

Today has been good so far. I have hours and hours of work ahead of me though. But keeping busy keeps me out of trouble for the most part. Having this blog to direct my online activities to has been great as well, there are other things I'd be doing if I didn't have it.

Anyway, Elsie's made me think:
"...giving yourself to God is just the same as giving yourself to random sex - it's just a patch to stop him knowing himself. It's another excuse, it's another drug, it's another person to hide behind, to hang things off if they go wrong."

I guess the difference between God and random sex is (how rediculous does that statment sound?) is that God is fulfilling. I know it doesn't always *feel* that way, but we rely on our emotions and feelings way to much anyway. They betray us. I reminded of that old poem "Footprints in the Sand" or whatever it was called. The times when God is closest to us are often the times when He seems so far away.

I remember the night that I decided to kill myself. I'd been planning it for months, I wrote the letters, I knew how to do it. God had seemed so gone to me for so long and I just wanted to leave. In hindsight, what I see now, was God wrestling me to the ground. Taking me six feet past the edge -- to a point where I had no choice to turn to Him (because that doing it all myself thing was so not working out). A dangerous plan, you say? Very. But God is dangerous, wild, unfettered and free.

Think about the danger in giving us free will in the first place. He could of created us in such a way so that the only choice we have is to love Him. But he didn't, He risked rejection to give us our choice. And we reject him everyday. I think I'm going to pick up Wild at Heart and read through it again. Eldredge talks a lot about this stuff and manhood in general. So much to think about.