..::|:.: Scattered Words

"in brokeness, I could see, that this was your will for me..." :: Jeremy Camp

5.26.2004

Emotional Dependency.

When I first visited Living Hope, I read an article on their forums that almost made me cry. I'd been seeing a counselor, and constantly described to him what could only be an emotionally dependent relationship with another guy on campus, but he could never label it or tell me what was wrong. He could never tell me why a relationship that brought me so much joy also brought me so much pain.

Eugene, at Living Hope, describes an emotionally dependent relationship like this:

-Jealousy, possessiveness, exclusivity, threatened by other potential relationships.
-Prefers to spend time alone with this person; becomes frustrated when does not occur.
-Becomes irrationally angry or depressed when person withdraws slightly.
-Loses interest in friendships other than this one.
-Experiences romantic or sexual feelings about that person.
-Becomes preoccupied with person’s appearance, personality, problems, interests, whereabouts, activities.
-Unwilling to make short or long term plans that do not include person or fit around their schedule.
-Unable to see other’s faults realistically.
-Becomes defensive about relationship when asked about it.
-Displays physical affection beyond what is appropriate for friendship.
-Refers frequently to the other person in conversation; speaks for the other person.
-Exhibits intimacy or familiarity with the Person that causes others to feel uncomfortable or embarrassed in their presence.

Not all of those where characteristic of our friendship, but a lot were so close to what was happening that it was scary. He was one of the best friends I've ever had -- but the friendship almost killed me. It was a constant source of anxienty.

And honestly, he was probably the only guy friend I've ever really had. I was close to a few others in college, but no one was there for me the way he was. Come to think of it, friendships of any kind are hard for me to come by these days. I'm so distrustful -- I've been hurt so many times (most friends from college have turned away from me, not because of the whole gay thing [they don't even know] but for other reasons).

I know I'll have to trust someone again eventually. We weren't made to isolate ourselves. But, I'm gun shy. I'm not sure I can go through the process of making friends again, and then losing them. I can only grieve for so many things at once.

Sigh. So much to work on. Couldn't I just take a pill or something? Fix it all at once?