..::|:.: Scattered Words

"in brokeness, I could see, that this was your will for me..." :: Jeremy Camp

5.25.2004

Dupont Circle.

An old hang out I need to give up. For those of you unfamiliar, it's DC's gay mecca. Normally, I go there because I'm lonely, and there's usually lots of people around on the street. Oh yeah, there's also lots of gay guys who check me out and artifically up my self-worth or something like that.

I used to hang out at JR's a lot -- a gay bar just off Q street (and down from the circle). Or rather, I'd let slightly older than me guys buy me drinks and then take me back to their apartments. One night, after *uhm* leaving a guy's apartment, I realized that my cell phone, which had been in my pocket prior to removal of all clothing, had been broken during my escapades. I guess that's what I get. I pray to God that's the worst of what I get.

Anyway, my point was / is that I'm starting to realize the things that I'm really going to have to give up. I think that in the back of my clouded mind, some part of me always thought it was temporary -- that I could turn back to my old vices if I wanted. I'm realizing that I can't. I won't. Like I said before, it's not what I want.

Falling down is easier than getting back up.
I went to gay.com tonight. Only for a moment, I immediately closed the windows, got up and left. Well -- it was *coincidentally* at the same time several new comments rolled in on my comments feed -- very encouraging comments that served as a good reminder. Flee, run away and flee some more.

Tonight was tough. I was close to letting go again. I'll like myself more in the morning than I would've otherwise, but you know what scares me -- the fact that I fell so hard after doing so well for almost six months. Does relapse have to be part of recovery?